Talking Like Reasonable People
by darkpanda of angels
Summary: A story in which Harry screws destiny and moves to Trinidad. 1st in my Trinidad Trilogy series.


This story was inspired by my best friend and the power of talking things out (and a case of boredom and not being able to sleep at night). Oh, and Harry is OCC, because this story is a parody. Oh, and if you squint, you can see LunaXHarry, SirusXRemus, and BillXTonks.

Talking Like Reasonable People

Harry Potter was not a normal wizard. No, he was a sneaking, cunning wizard with a sense of self preservation. This didn't mean he was evil. It just meant he was not stupid. He even convinced the sorting hat to not put him in Slytherin to help Gryffindor not die out. Gryffindors had a nasty habit of rushing into things and getting themselves killed.

However, by the end of third year, he had enough. When he figured out that Sirius, his own godfather, didn't have a trial, he discovered the wizarding world was even more corrupt than the muggle one. At least muggles had a trial for each convict. Add to this he faced Voldemort on two separate occasions in supposedly the safest school in Britain, he decided to leave the ministry to its own devices. In his opinion, they deserved what they got and he wasn't going to bail them out.

So Harry decided the reasonable thing to do was to send letters to Voldemort. He was still alive somewhere; he never seemed to die, no matter how many times you tried to kill him.

_Dear Lord Voldemort,_

_I've decided I won't get in your way, as long as I get a couple of things I want. If I don't, I promise I will bother you. _

_First, see the attached list of people I don't want killed. You'll see Dumbledore isn't on there. He left me to rot at the Durselys, so I hope you have fun torturing him. Oh, and as a side request, please torture/kill my dear relatives please. Fucking relatives treated me like a slave…okay, getting off topic._

_Also, I want to make a slight modification on your muggle-born policy. Instead of killing them all (which is frankly impossible), why not just deport them to some other English speaking country? As a side note, other countries won't come and bother you for killing people. _

_My last request is that you just be the Dark Lord of wizarding Britain. Again, it seems unreasonable to effectively to govern more than that area with just one person. Also, as I mentioned in my last paragraph, other countries won't invade you._

_Sincerely hoping you will listen to my requests,_

_Harry Potter_

_P.S If you have another name you wished to be called, mention it in the next letter._

_Dear Harry Potter,_

_As a first matter of business, I like to be called The Dark Lord in my letters._

_I will agree to all your requests, and frankly, I am impressed with the solutions you came up with. You seem more intelligent than most of my inner circle (though admittedly, that isn't hard). Would you possibly consider being my advisor? The idea to strengthen my power over a small area was a great one and sending the muggle-borns off somewhere is genius. _

_Hope to be seeing you in my inner circle,_

_The Dark Lord_

_Dear The Dark Lord,_

_I'm sorry to decline your request. It is just you killed my parents and all. I don't think we can get past that little detail. I think it would be most beneficial for us to never see each other again, since we have a habit of trying to kill one another. _

_Have fun with the Ministry. I should be out of the country with all my friends and family in tow by the start of the school year. Please give them hell from me. _

_Sincerely,_

_Harry Potter _

Voldemort began his ascension into power on September the first, when he used Fudge's blood to rise again. By Christmas, he was the leader of magical Britain, and Dumbledore was killed along with Harry's relatives. Voldemort thought he owed that much for the wizard for just stepping out of his way and giving him decent ideas, and never broke any of the stipulations Harry put in the letter.

Voldemort turned out to be a better ruler than the Ministry ever was. He forced truth potion on each of the suspects in a case against the government and insured them a trial (something that the old Ministry failed to do). Plus, he freely offered to help pay the way for his enemies to get out of the country. In Harry's opinion, you deserved what you got when you stayed. It was plain stupidity not to run.

Meanwhile, where was Harry?

"Hey Sirus, why did we decide to move to Trinidad again?" Harry asked.

"Because it is a tropical island, it speaks English, I can get Indian and Caribbean food, there is a lack of a wizarding population here, and you can murder someone and toss them in the water and never get caught." Sirius replied.

"So no one would notice a convict on the run here?" Harry asked.

"Exactly, exactly. Plus, why stay in cold England when you can be in the tropical, warm sun?" Sirius laughed.

Well, the wizarding population bit was not true anymore. Harry and his little band of wizarding expats moved to Trinidad and set up a magical community, in fact, the first of its kind on the island. Sirius, Remus, Harry, the Lovegood family and the Weasley family all pitched in to buy land (with Sirius and Harry pitching in the most due to the family fortunes they owned).

The Weasley family hired muggles to build a new house for them, which had five bedrooms, including a guest room (for the numerous family members that ended up coming over). Fred and George refused to split up. For the first time, the Weasleys had a house that fit them. Bill visited and set up muggle repelling wards. Harry made sure the Weasleys got a mailbox at the post office. Charlie even found a way to conceal a real life Quidditch pitch in the backyard. The only person not visiting was Percy, who was currently being a prat back in the United Kingdom.

Sirius, Remus, and Harry ended up living together. It turned out that Remus and Sirius had a relationship going before Sirius was sent to prison, and now decided to go out again. Harry couldn't be happier. He also had some say in designing the house, and made sure it was not a complete wizarding home. He made sure there was electricity running through the house so he could at least watch television and cook in peace with familiar muggle cooking appliances (Harry did not trust Remus or Sirius to cook anything edible).

The Lovegoods were people Harry never met before, but were friends of the Weasley family. Their house looked like a strange muggle house on the outside, and was a strange wizarding house on the inside, with past issues of the Quibbler on the walls, which was still written even in Trinidad and was how the Lovegoods made their money. Plus Luna was cool in a weird way and kinda cute.

Meanwhile, Herimone and her parents also moved to Trinidad, but decided to live in a more muggle neighborhood with her parents in a basic three bedroom home. It turned out dentists were greatly needed in Trinidad. The Grangers and the Weasleys had an immediate interest in one another because of the different cultures they grew up in.

Another wizarding family that decided to move to Trinidad in a muggle neighborhood was the Tonks, since Ted Tonks turned out to be muggle-born. Andromeda was Sirius's favorite cousin, and her daughter was funny, and liked to go by her last name because her first name was so horrible. Harry liked her, and so did everyone else (he suspected that Bill might like her a little bit more).

The best part about Trinidad was Harry could practice magic whenever and wherever he wanted. Since there was no Ministry of Magic, there were no underage magic laws. Harry, Luna, Hermione, Ron, Ginny, Fred, and George learned from the people around them and textbooks owl ordered in. Hermione went back to muggle school right away because she kept up with the course material, and Harry was right behind her when in caught up in a year. Fred and George were surprisingly next. It seemed they could be incredibly bright when they were bored out of their wits at home. Luna followed after, proving though she was strange and usual, she was not dumb and was a true Ravenclaw at heart. Ron and Ginny came to school later than everyone else and a year behind, but made an effort to participate in a world they were not raised in.

Overall, Harry was enjoying his little piece of paradise while at the same time screwing destiny and the prophesy made about him and Voldemort. The end.


End file.
